• Amy

What if?

Updated: Nov 21, 2019

As I sit here at only 32 reflecting on my life, creating a blog, finally dating the love of my life, raising my (our) babies and a business, I feel an incredible sense of comfort. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of uncomfortable moments, and how could there not be, that's life and that's growth. But, I feel content, I feel happy, I feel fulfilled.

This was not always the case for a long time and who knows what the future holds, tomorrow could look wildly different than today. But today, I am grateful and I will soak up these moments for I fought to get here.

It's also not just because I am dating my model of a "husband". He certainly brings me comfort and more love than I could have ever imagined, but I landed here before I met him, that's the real magic, isn't it? That we felt whole before we found each other. I did not look for this, it happened so quickly and I feel like I have known J forever, I trust him with my life and I cannot tell you how refreshing that is.

Tip; hold out for someone who looks at you like the way he looks at me.

Flashing back to 4 years ago, I was divorced, dating a man(child) I thought I loved, working(ish) from home, raising two small humans who I am obsessed with, drinking way too much wine, spending money like it would always be there. It was messy at best, but I was surviving and doing me, which I had not done in quite sometime.

Flashing back to 6 years ago, my marriage was picture perfect, an amazing husband, provider and father. We lived in a beautiful home, in the neighbourhood we both grew up in, we travelled, we drove nice cars, we had date nights. But it was all lacking, I did not love my husband and that was a secret I carried deep, deep down. Afraid to speak up, I kept it hidden for as long as I could. I was afraid of being judged for having this amazing life and taking it for granted. I was afraid I could not survive outside of those cozy walls. I was mostly afraid my 2 small babies would hate me for ending their comfort for my own happiness.

What if I told you now, it was all worth it? All of it. Ending that marriage. Opening my store, ending that very toxic relationship I had after my divorce. The hardest years of my life were worth it and I would not change any of it. Well, maybe a little less stress and worrying, a little less crying, a little less wine and whine. But, hindsight is always 20/20.

What if I told you, I truly believe we all deserve to live our best lives? To follow our dreams. To date that man who makes you wonder what the hell you did right in your life to deserve him? It is all out there. Or, maybe if you're really lucky and smarter than I was, he's already standing next to you.

What if I told you, your happiness matters too? Not just those little love suckers we worship and are obsessed with. I learned very quickly that I am my kids home. I am their strength and no matter where we end up, we are a family and we got this. I learned quickly to admit when mom made a mistake, own it and take immediate steps to make it right.

Everything we want and crave is achievable. I am not special or different, I am just a girl who craved more and never took no for an answer. I wanted to leave my marriage and find real love, so I did it. I wanted to open a store, so I did it. I wanted to end a painful, abusive relationship, so I did it. I wanted to share my stories, so I am. It is not easy, and some days I wonder wtf I am doing, but it's all so freaking worth it.

Disclaimer; I am a impulse shopper, impulse store opener (lol), impulse happy hour-er. But, I do not take relationships lightly. It may seem like that as I rattle off my past. However, I fought long and hard for all my past relationships. It included staying for way too long in both, for fear of regret. Fear of giving up too easily. Counselling, begging, pleading (with myself and others), many, many tears. Many, many pros and cons lists. Countless sleepless nights. Weight loss and gain. Anti-anxiety meds. You name it, I tried it. The truth will always show itself. Whether its the outcome you had hoped for or not. And to end this topic, if you or anyone you know needs help leaving an unhealthy relationship, please do not be like me and wait it out. Get help, tell someone, you are not meant to carry that alone. There is life beyond it, I promise.

It's a journey, not a destination. But, we are not trees, so if were not happy, why not move??

Amy xo

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